amalgam

A bicycle in Los Angeles is like my mom at a Nine Inch Nails concert.

2009-09-16T02:12:33Z

Just thought I'd jump on here. I've been keeping to myself and catching up on ex-coworkers through Facebook but not jumping out there to contribute much. My sister loves Facebook for the games and I even had to join Farmville because she needed "neighbors" (a la Amway) to help keep up her virtual Columbian drug-lord-sized plantation filled with all the e-fruits and e-vegetables and e-farm animals you could ever want or need.

This Punxsutawney Phil, yours truly, figured he should poke his head out just to show people he's still here, and not the victim of crossing the wrong mob family or getting nudged into the oncoming lane at rush hour. I poked, I saw, I ate some dirt. I'm headed back in. You kids have a good evening. I'll come back in another 44 weeks with an update. Until then, hasta, pasta.

The LAST thing they want.

2008-11-11T06:57:13Z

I was waiting in line for a screening of Milk (Sean Penn, Emile Hirsch, Josh Brolin), which was excellent, by the way, and standing in front of me was Lisa Edelstein (Cuddy on the show "House") and I wanted to say something but you know, you're doing everyday things in the city you live and you're probably pestered all the time, and I couldn't do that to her. Oh, I'm a big fan, blah blah blah... Unfortunately it's hard to get a picture with someone if you don't tell them you want a picture with them. But man. A picture would have rocked. If we were interviewing her, that would be a whole other matter entirely.

I could have annoyed her, got the picture, and then stood in awkward silence next to her for the next 45 minutes, but I know I was there, and that was fun enough. It's cool just to be nominated, as they say.

You know what I want?

2008-10-17T06:16:41Z

Target dog.

Not a Target dog. THE Target Dog.

I wonder what it would take to get Target Dog?

All right, confession time...

2008-08-14T06:37:38Z

It's been too long since I've put pen to paper. ... Fingers to plastic squares. Oh, THAT'S poetic. Whatever. Moving on.

So I kind of feel like punishing myself more than I have, so I figure the best way is to tell you what I did last week and you all can slap me upside the head. (FIGURATIVELY. Don't be gettin' no i-dee-ers.)

Okay. So I'm watching the studio feed at my work where you can see what's going on right at that very second, and in the studio, on the lobby level, is Alan Tudyk, filling in as host for vacationing Leonard Maltin on this show he does called Secret's Out. Alan Tudyk from 3:10 to Yuma, Alan Tudyk from Death at a Funeral (funny, funny movie) and Alan Tudyk from the wondrous Firefly series and of course the accompanying film Serenity. Which I LOVE.

So he's down there. And I'm a fan. But I'm thinking, you know, those celebrity people don't need the annoying bother of people all up in their faces about how much they love them and stuff, they're doing a job, HE'S doing a job, and I don't know, it seems tacky.

And then I see who Alan's interviewing. His good friend Nathan Fillion. He plays the captain on Serenity. That movie that I may have mentioned I love, somewhere earlier? It's all a haze. Oh, there it is. Yeah, I mentioned it.

Now, I'm nowhere near wired in the head to be ... in the tendency to ... um, the... the man-man-love thing. If you know what I mean. But come ON. The writing on that show was thick enough to stand a fork in it. Just tasty. Like, you know, all kinds of witty and you know, like that. Stuff. Like West Wing turn-on-closed-captioning-to-eat-it-all-up quality.

I seriously thought about it. I even thought about it out loud. And I sat there and watched the interview from the comfort of my monitor, floors above the action, saw Nathan finish, removing the mic, and talk with people on set. And then I went back to work.

It was not more than an hour later I found out that this woman I work with and another from a different department, and this editor guy, are all huge fans. And HAD GONE DOWN THERE. Sat outside. Said hi. Probably shook hands. Most likely got a signature. Camera phone pics. Shared a good joke. Maybe Nathan went down to his car and got some personal 5x7 headshot glossies to hand out. Maybe not. The point is, I DO NOT KNOW BECAUSE I WASN'T THERE.

Anyway, that's my story. You have my permission, slap away.

The funny thing is, if it had been someone else down there, like Mischa Barton or pretty much anyone from the OC for example, I would have thought, "Sure, go ahead and fawn all over her, jeez. Show some professionalism, ya pansies." But now pansy moniker be damned... stick me ankle-deep in potting soil if that's what it takes for the meet n greet, and I'm good to go.

My stomach makes the decisions. AGAIN.

2008-04-26T03:35:01Z

And I really wanted to see a cool explosion. And I could have. We covered it on our show later, so in a way I got to see it. But to see it in person... And why didn't I see it?

I ordered a pizza.

Of course it occured to me after I made the call that now I'm going to have to wait for it to show up, so no going out to see the explosion. If I had a nickel for every time a life experience was usurped by cheesy goodness...

New Email!

2008-04-25T00:01:31Z

This is from an email I got at my work.

"Please be advised, during filming tonight there will be a mock car explosion on 5th Street. We expect this to occur after 7:30 PM. There will be popping noises and a possible smell of smoke or burning."

How can there be a "mock" car explosion? They've mentioned "mock gunfire" before, which makes sense, but a car is going to explode or it isn't. There's nothing mock about it.

I might just have to come out to see that.

Living in Los Angeles Payoff #32

2007-12-17T22:39:27Z

A year and a half ago I never would have thought I'd see Aaron Sorkin in the flesh, and tonight I'm going to a Q&A screening of Charlie Wilson's War and he'll be there!

I just have to figure out how to get from Downtown to the west side of Hollywood in 45 minutes when I get off work. It's RSVP but they overbook, so you still have to get there early.

Aaron Sorkin! Now I need to keep myself from saying some nerdy joke like, "Huh huh, I loved the West Wing, huh huh, I have all four seasons on DVD! Huh huh, get it? Because you were kicked off for seasons five and six? Get it? Huh huh huh!"

I want him to sign my forehead. Backwards so I can see it in the mirror.

I have to volunteer for this shift more often.

2007-11-24T23:17:48Z

I left the old, broken streets of Los Angeles for Thanksgiving and its surrounding days to visit my folks. In return for redeeming some vacation time, I volunteered to work Saturday. That was the best decision I've made all weekend. Among my less fruitful choices were:

- taking Amtrak to Northern California on a delayed train, starving and desperate enough to eat any sandwich in the Stockton vending machine with an unmet expiration date, riding an overloaded train containing swearing group-home jailbait who were coaxing digits from random goateed boys with faux "grillz" and low-slung pants, and arriving three hours late on a bus driven by a guy who made sure to "don't blame me!";

- while on the train, allowing some guy to sit across from me. This allowed him to tell me he believed we had some connection because we were of the same religion and that he was a producer and I was a writer, which in his eyes gave him an invitation to namedrop like mad, and in the middle of his pretend not-drunk bantering, asked if he could be my agent, leaving me his number and email before departing the train IN FRESNO;

- leaning only slightly on a towel rack in my sister's house and managing to rip thick screws out of the two-year-old house's drywall;

- and forgetting I would be adding my sister's camera bag to my return trip luggage, which almost tipped the scales of my personal carrying weight and made the 37-mile walk back to my car feel like at least a 56-mile walk.

But that's the glass three-quarters empty. Here's where it was a quarter full:

- I got to play my mom's piano again, a pristine 30-year-old Kawai upright with the sound of a grand.

- I got to see the stars again.

- I have the whole floor to myself here at work, in a room so big I can swivel in my chair all the way around with my legs outstretched.

- I was able to enjoy the last leg of the ride to LA listening to the entire Nickel Creek concert recorded November 6th in D.C., and it was impressive as always.

- I got to have Thanksgiving dinner with my mom, dad, sis, brother, their respective spice, er, spouses, and six kids.

- I read to my four-year-old nephew one of his favorite books just before bed, a little kid novelization of the movie Cars you can order online, written in a personalized style that puts him in the middle of the action as a reporter interviewing Lightning McQueen himself!

- I bought my sister's $900 camera for $300 before she was going to sell it on Ebay. It's a Canon digital 8mp reflex that shoots 6 shots a second. If that doesn't get me to post more pictures of my surroundings, nothing will.

I should do some work, I guess.

There's security and then there's security and then there's...

2007-10-05T17:09:45Z

At work we have to change our password every month or so. I'm not sure on the actual time window but it feels like four to six weeks. I am, however, absolutely certain about my strength of will, fighting the urge to just go home when I turn on my computer and it asks me "Your password will expire in 14 days. Do you want to change it now?" and I know that it's starting again.

Every day thereafter it will ask me, and I'll turn it down, since succumbing to the request will just move up the date when I'll have to do this whole thing again. Sure, this may sound like no big deal to you, dear reader, but it's not as simple as picking a new word or alternating between two or three passwords. I've tried that one. My computer popped a window up that said:

"The password supplied does not meet the minimum complexity requirements. Please select another password that meets all of the following criteria: is at least 6 characters; has not been used in the previous 4 passwords; must not have been changed within the last 1 days; does not contain your account or full name; containing at least three of the following character groups: English uppercase characters (A through Z); English lowercase characters (a through z); numerals (0 through 9); Non-alphabetic characters (such as !, $, #, %). Type a password which meets these requirements in both text boxes."

Wouldn't seeing that make you want to go home?

Me? The popular kid? Huh?

2007-09-29T03:28:44Z

Tres bizarre. I Google "Veramyst works" now and my journal comes up as #1.

I'm conflicted as to whether I like this new development. I'm under higher scrutiny! I'm on the grid! Did I hide the porn? Is my credit card number displayed anywhere? What if I'm nominated for Supreme Court Justice??

Oh, I just remembered that I recorded The Office and I still haven't watched it. My paranoia will just have to wait, I guess.

Ask Your Doctor about new Veramyst

2007-09-27T05:58:54Z

I was watching a commercial for the new prescription allergy spray Veramyst, and about halfway through, I saw a disclaimer in small print that read, "The way VERAMYST works is not entirely understood."

If you were using it, wouldn't something like that bother you? Here, take this. It'll keep you from sneezing, although we're not quite sure WHY.

Reminds me of the diet pills (with tapeworms inside) advertised back in the 30's.

Build a house? No sweat!

2007-09-27T03:48:14Z

The hinge on the back of the toilet seat has been loose for a while now and I'd been contemplating the whole live-with-it-or-tell-the-landlord-or-try-to-fix-it-myself decision, when the decision was made for me when the seat slipped and actually cracked almost in two. Still, I thought that the time it took to get the powers that be to come up here and replace it might be prohibitively long. So I did it with my own two hands! And a screwdriver.

First, I was still unsure about the whole procedure, and whether it would be costly, so I headed over to the local Home Depot to find a toilet lid and see how much it costs. The place is so huge that just going there for a little thing like a toilet lid seemed goofy. I almost got a few long two-by-fours and a circular saw so I wouldn't feel out of place at the register. It turns out there are a ton of toilet seats to choose from! Long ones, cushy ones, wood, plastic, with prices ranging from under five dollars to over forty. I was going to go with the cheapest one, seeing as how I'm just renting, but butt knows best, so I splurged another five and got a decent generic white lid with a seven year guarantee. I personally can't imagine how a guarantee system would work. How would they know you're still within the seven year limit? Would you keep the ten dollar receipt? Would you register your lid with the company?

If you worked at the toilet lid company and one of your customers' lids broke after six and a half years of use, would you honestly want them sending that thing in to you for replacement? I'd work on the honor system, I think. "No worries, sir, we believe you. We'll send another one out." But you know someone would take advantage of that and just get all these free toilet lids that they could then sell on the black market.

I'm glad I don't work for them. So I installed it and realized too late that I lost my one and only opportunity to lick a toilet seat and not get grossed out or sick from a virus or whatever. Oh, man! I could have had friends over and tricked them into daring me to lick it for fifty bucks or something! I would totally be a rich man right now!

Anyway, I feel like a total carpenter now. Does anyone need anything built? Give me a ring!

Emmy mentions pt.3

2007-09-17T07:32:01Z

Here's the last of my observations of the Emmys:

My thoughts:

----------
Ray Ramano was funny.
Ellen was funny, just because she's Ellen. Really, she could be funny giving instructions on how to make toast. Put in bread, push down lever. See, when I say it, nothing. But with her... just trust me on this.

----------
In the new edition of the American Audiological Society, there is an updated list of sounds and where they sit on the decibel scale:

buzzing fly
whisper
computer typing
normal conversation
television show
vacuum cleaner
baby crying
rock concert
jet airplane
COMMERCIAL BREAK of a television show!

----------
The show was presented "in the round", and in a musical routine, the Jersey Boys actually got a round of applause for being the only people in the entire show to that point to briefly acknowledge the people in the audience BEHIND THEM.

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During a show devoted to awards celebrating how much people love TV shows, I loved it when FOX cut to commercials trying to get people to see at least FIVE different MOVIES.

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As more and more Emmys are given out, I find it positive that PBS still kicks some butt once in a while, with a show featuring Tony Bennett.

And by rebroadcasting a show from Britain. But still.

----------
Al Gore and, um, partner of Al Gore won an Emmy for CurrentTV. An Oscar and and now an Emmy. Pretty good. But if he wins a Grammy or Tony, my dad will have a big fat cow. Let's just say he's not a fan.

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I love the commercial of the women in a wedding party, in the ad for Secret Clinical Strength that offers an antiperspirant "in a prescription strength, but without a prescription."

A prescription??

"Doctor, there's a wedding I'm going to in two weeks and I'm going to be wearing a strapless dress. The ceremony's going to be outside, and I'm afraid that I might... you know."

"You know?"

"C'mon, doctor. You know. ...Perspire."

"Oh. OH. I see. Well, let's take a look in my samples cupboard. Hmm. Tylenol with Codeine, Zanax, Oxycontin, Cialis... Ah, here it is. A prescription strength deodorant stick made just for women. You're lucky - it's my last one."

"Oh, thank you doctor, thank you! I don't know how I would have... Oh no! My friend Gabrielle is in the waiting room right now with the same problem, sweating when it gets hot! And this is the last one, you said? Doctor, what am I going to tell her when I leave?"

"Oh, goodness. We can't have your friend leave here jealous of you for two whole weeks up until that moment when she sees that you are the only one at the wedding confident enough to reach up to catch the bouquet! I won't stand for it! You shouldn't have to jeopardize your friendship over that kind of confrontation. Over here. There's a back exit."

"Oh, thank you doctor!"

And to think, all this is solved thanks to Secret Clinical Strength!

-----------
It is SO cool to watch all the seat fillers doing their job (when people have to get up to go to the bathroom or win an award or whatever). How amazing it would be to be the 18th in line to fill a seat, and they call "The Amazing Race!" and 17 people get up to get their (collective) Emmy, and then just as you think you'll never get your big break, Helen Mirren realizes she had too much ice tea earlier that afternoon...

It's your time to shine, my friend, it's your time to shine.

-----------
I love the way FOX so indiscreetly went to a shot of a huge globe thing in the middle of the screen whenever someone mouthed the s- word or Sally Field says g-- d---. It's just like when someone on Big Brother on the Internet is going to get naked and they cut to some stupid graphic just when you're about to see something good! Um, I hear. That's what, you know, what people tell me.

-----------
Louis Black's crazy rant about half-of-screen teaser graphics in the middle of shows you're watching was awesome. The FOX-placed joke at the end, not so much.

-----------
According to the 11 o'Clock (ish) news I watched later, a good number of celebs are partying in the Disney Concert Hall right now, not 15 blocks away from me right now! Then the camera panned around the room and the reporter spouting how all the decorations are touted as "green" and serving humanely treated food. Listen, I like meat just like the rest of us carnivores, so I'm not necessarily defending vegetarianism, but if food was really humanely treated, it would STILL BE ALIVE. Just saying.

-----------
Anyway, it was okay. I'd give it a C-.

Emmy update

2007-09-17T03:23:50Z

Yeah, um, namedropping... not working all that well.

It's a Sunday night and

2007-09-17T02:56:46Z

The Emmys are on in 10 minutes. The show is hosted by Ryan Seacrest, which seems wrong to me. It's like, if the Super Bowl was hosted by, well, Ryan Seacrest.

The thing is hosted by FOX, and they have Seacrest's deal with the devil in blood, so I could see how it would be easy to recruit him. (That was the deal for Ryan: fame and fortune on America's top rated TV show, in return for his soul. But as with all deals with the devil, there's a catch. Really two. The show was American Idol, and he's destined to work for FOX.)

Five minutes!

Eh, he might do well. He was funny in Knocked Up.

Syntax Pet Peeve #33

2007-08-17T19:13:45Z

I happened to notice the brand of toilet at my work: American Standard. Just beneath it is listed "3.8 liters/flush 1.0 gal/flush". All right, maybe this is nitpicky, but with a name like American Standard, wouldn't you think they'd at LEAST list the gallons one first??

Hmm. I think maybe I have too much extra time on my hands.

San Diego is a two hour drive, I think...

2007-07-25T22:56:18Z

So I'm just minding my own business and not even noticing that there's like the biggest International Comic Convention within driving distance. How stupid is me?

Saturday's sold out already. It'll have to be Sunday, and MAYBE after I get off work on Friday (But that means I wouldn't get there 'til after 9pm.)

BUT Friday night is an hour long program of the Worst Cartoons Ever through the history of cartoons. THAT is something I need to see! And then Spike and Mike has some Sick and Twisted animation I'll sit in on, but I can't leave too late and get home like 3am. That would be tres insane-o.

I've never been there... I wonder what it'll be like?

Yeah, close enough.

2007-07-20T06:16:47Z

My Personality Page

At first I thought "Naturalist" was one who frequently likes to be naked. I thought, right on! But when I got only 50%, I decided it probably meant something else.

I have to wake up WHEN?

2007-07-12T23:21:45Z

I have a bus to catch!

My sister's going to Las Vegas for some family time with my brother, so I'm taking some time off to catch up with her plans. She comes from the north and I come from the south, so in order to travel together, I'm taking the bus to meet her (somewhat)halfway in Bakersfield. It's one of those "It's a great place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there" cities. Except for the part about it being a great place to visit.

It's on one of Amtrak's connecting-city buses, not Greyhound. I've heard about the crazies on Greyhound.

But all that is tomorrow morning. Let's hope for no crazies!

My first Fourth in the southland...

2007-07-05T03:16:12Z

Guess what happens when you have a city of thousands of people who have access to off-brand, crazy contraband fireworks? You have quite a show from all directions of my six-story window.

Sounds like a gun battle sometimes. I'm pretty sure it's not, though. I can see bottle rockets a few miles away, and up and down my street they're setting off stuff. And it's not even dark yet!

The next few hours will be pretty cool.

spam spam spam spam...

2007-06-28T15:26:20Z

Okay, I understand the idea. Someone sends out an email in the hopes that you will:
get caught up in a scam, or
confirm that your email address is legit, making it another useful address for future spam databases, or
accept their requests to put some adware on your computer.
And usually the emails have some kind of inticing offer to get you to click the link. Get a free IPod! Natural male enhancement drug! Win a trip to Orlando, Florida or Las Vegas!

But this?
----------
Last Chance to Claim your John Deere Lawn Tractor

Claim Now

Yes, we'll send you a real riding mower, rushed to your front door, at no cost to you! No annoying gift cards or rebates necessary.
----------
Is there anything that would be LESS useful to me right now? Other than a neon sign that says "Apply for Passport Here."
And a blond hair coloring kit. But yeah, pretty much that's the top three.

amalgam @ 2007-06-25T10:08:00

2007-06-25T17:21:57Z

So I was looking at the official Chinese Population clock and was watching the number go up right before my eyes, every few seconds, and I thought, you know, the time between births in China is the same amount of time that you listen for between pops to tell you that your microwave popcorn is done.

Don't know what that means exactly, just thought I'd throw it out there.

Urban Life

2007-06-19T05:00:30Z

You know when you're in an urban landscape when:

Okay, it's not make a funny list time, I just noticed a helicopter is circling the block kitty corner from me and shining a spotlight on one of the buildings. From this vantage point it looks pretty cool. Although it is a little loud. It's gone now...

Oh wait, it came back. Maybe it needed gas. Maybe the pilot had to go to the bathroom.

I suppose you could just go out the window. If you're high enough not to be identified. And you were over an empty field or something.

Sometimes there are things you just can't believe.

2007-06-13T19:25:56Z

I can't believe this... a story from the Los Angeles Times. There are places in LA that are cool, and then there are places like this. I'll sum up the story:

Edith Isabel Rodriguez, 43, visits the King-Harbor emergency room complaining of pain. She is given painkillers and sent on her way. She comes in again. She receives the same treatment: here's a prescription, there's the door. Third time, same treatment. Then on May 8, after the same situation, she didn't leave the hospital but lay on the bench just outside the main entrance.

After some time passes, Los Angeles county police officers notice her there and help her back into the ER, where later a triage nurse tells her that nothing can be done to help her. Soon, the woman is caught on hospital video writhing in pain on the floor of the ER, and hospital staff is seen standing by as the janitor cleaned the floor around her.

It gets more bizarre. Edith's boyfriend calls 911 from a payphone outside the hospital, hoping someone can send an ambulance to take her somewhere else because she's vomiting blood. The dispatcher argues that she should be getting care right there, and the paramedics won't go to a hospital.

A second woman, a bystander, calls 911. This time a different dispatcher answers. He berates her for complaining, cuts her off, and keeps scolding her for using 911 for a non-emergency call. She tells him, "May God strike you too for acting the way you just acted," and he responds, "No. Negative, ma'am, you're the one."

The second dispatcher didn't know there was a first call because neither of the calls were logged as emergency calls and therefore they weren't linked.

The woman died 40 minutes later from a perforated bowel that experts say could have been treated.

the story in the LA Times

It's true!

2007-06-07T15:39:30Z

Just as I move to Southern California, the area for the first time wins the Stanley Cup.

I am now taking bids to move to your town. Get in on the bidding today!